Midnight Fishing Safaris have
the tour for
that suits our
*Hey Cuz, just remember to remove my comments about
our shit clients before posting *
The "Lucky Lucky Bastard" Tour
On this tour we all
seem to get a Barra or two (We call bream & catfish "Barra" as well)(Tourists have no
idea). No skill is required on this tour, in fact there
is little skill
to be seen on any of our tours. The fact that you get back safely is a bonus
on its own,
so stop your whining already.
* Bloody tourists ! I'll tell you Cuz, they
never stop. You think they want shade in the boat or something at Black
The "Not as good as last
On this tour we just don't
seem to get fish like the tours of yesteryear (or other tour operators) You can expect many theories
on global warming and the "countrymen collecting firewood early this year" &
mango flowerings, because it is just not our fault, OK ! Who brought that
banana onto the boat again?
*Do some more research on Global warming this year Cuz, as the pricks are
getting more clueyer each year, like they have read a book or something*
The "did you pull my
line" gag tour
Come with us for a back
of laughs as we pull your line a minimum of 19 times per day to break the
monotony of no fish again, we have such a wonderful time and have trouble driving the boat
through the snags at high speed due to the tears of laughter in our eyes. So
hang on tight on this tour. We even tell all the jokes you may of forgotten
over the years (or only heard last week).
The "did we have 4 guys
or 5 guys" tour
Every now and then one of
our guides may lose someone in the wilderness, and this gives all remaining
fishermen (with a water bottle) (and not dehydrated/sunburnt) the opportunity to be a
part of a search party. But the best twist is that we search from our boat
along the river still trolling our lures & often stop at a snag or two to
throw in a line as well.
If you happen to get a bite you have to yell out loud over the others who
are calling "Brian" or "Jim" or whoever that last guy was that we never
After a while we forget our stress of losing someone and head home all happy as you realise
there are less people to share the catch with.
The "did you pack the
Every now and then due to
unforeseen circumstances a few rods may fly out of the trailer, or the swags
go missing (again) or the clothes & tuckerbox just don't make it. This gives
the party a wonderful opportunity to bond and take turns using the
remaining fishing line & lure (you'll have to pay for it if you lose it)
(the others may get a little angry). Its amazing what meals you can prepare using
just slimy fish bait and gum leaves. And bedtime, well best to share the swag with anyone but Cuz.
In fact best just to stay up as late as you can after all this is a Midnight
The "burley em up" tour
On this tour we leave the
confines and calmness of the River system and head out to sea.
We head out to the outer islands (They are called that because they are
out & not in). This will give you the ride of a lifetime (especially
when there is a High in the Bight and GPS has been lost again, and the
sun has set). The race is on to get to a reef or an island before
everyone starts getting sea sick ,throwing up and making a mess in the
boat or we hit a reef at low tide. The idea is to burley up the water
where we drop anchor and there is usually more food left over for crew.
A vomit in the water is highly prized when stopped and the Captains line
is wet than on the move. But as usual Cuz it is you that is vomiting.
The "Bring the Wives
On this tour we bring the bosses along and sit around the campfire in
total misery. In fact this tour is often called the "Not quite Midnight Fishing Safaris
Tour" as that is the time the wives seem to head to the tent and ask
(er...demand) if you are coming. You get to take your beer home as the "evil
eye" is often cast your way every time you call out "who wants a beer".
On this tour you don't get to spend much time in the boat as you are
worried how the Ladies are going back at camp,......your thoughts range
from .... are they too hot, are the flys and mosquitos annoying them,
did a bug fall in their cup and are they now dehydrated as a result and
feeling faint, did they have trouble digging a hole, did they realise
there is no toilet seat to whine about, are they going to whinge for an
hour or two when you get back 10 minutes later than "about 4PM", where
did I leave the panadol, did that crocodile finally crawl up the bank
and take her, did I insure her for enough to get a new boat and a
holiday, did she have the keys in her pocket, should the new wife be 18
or older, did I insure her enough for a bigger boat than my last thought
with a 70 horse, a new rod or three plus a box of brand new lures, a
longer holiday than before, a new wife with a friend, actually forget
the wife bit and just try the friend & friend of friend........
And before you realise it,
you are pulling into camp and can see that evil eye stare from the bank.
At the end of
this tour you end up with no fish and a sunburnt wife that just hates
fishing and cannot see why you would want to do it, which works in your
favour as next time you let slip you are going fishing, she is all for
inflicting that sort of pain into you and even helps pack the swag for
you. Problem solved for the rest of your fishing life.
And just remember it was
all on a Midnight Fishing Safari.
In this tour we head out in
our army auction patrol boat from the Vietnam War era.
No need to get sticky smelly
fingers while baiting crab pots as we don't have any pots,
so none of that Fisheries Rules & regulations rubbish to worry about.
We have a sort of 'share
farming ' arrangement with other fishermen who set the traps for us.
You get to check those traps
and retie the ones with the pretty coloured cable ties & on some days we
don�t even bother re-cabling or dropping them back in the water. Just
keep an eye out for the red flashing light from the well positioned
gopro camera. (We now have 5 in our collection).
On the "Super
Dooper Crabs'r'Us Adventure tour",
we put on the flack jackets & head down to the Wearyan River system in
the Borroloola Gulf region & check Roy Wrights crab
pots. Haven't lost too many clients on those trips lately.
And sometimes while we are
out in the Crabs'R'Us extra muffled patrol boat we venture down the
Finnis River way past the warning/information signs
that talk about a big Red Black & Yellow Sea Serpent thing that lives
there further up the river. We have not seen this monster yet, but after
all we are there in the dark at midnight as this
a Midnight Fishing Safaris tour. One day we might stop
& read that sign, but thanks for warning us about it.
Need more Fishing Gear Tour
On this tour we go for a peek around the car park at
Mandorah Jetty, chat to a few fisherman on the Jetty and at some point
when we mention that we are "Midnight Fishing Safaris" they get
intimidated and run for the Ferry heading to Darwin, leaving their
fishing gear for us. It's all in the timing.
Don't do the dishes Tour
During this week of hard action, no-one lifts a finger to do the dishes.
You just scrape off the night befores muck (if the maggots have not
gotten it all) & slap on todays gourmet meal. After all you are treated
as a real man on our tours. None of that sissy pampering stuff.
We have shortened this tour to 3 days so if anyone tries to sue us again
for some botulism poisoning crap, it wasn't our fault OK !!! If you get
sick back in town it must of been from Airport food or the takeaway shop
which all our clients want to visit on arrival to town again. If you get
sick in our camp, you automatically get elevated to the more expensive
"Burley them up" Tour (so bring your credit card)
Please be advised that this tour is impossible to run in conjunction
with a "Bring the wives along tour"
You're the Tour Guide Tour
On this tour (our most expensive yet) you get to play tour guide and
take me & Cuz to the places where you reckon we'll get a few fish. After
all , every prick we have ever taken on our tours seems to know what is
We get to hound you into the ground with those effen same questions we
get over & over every trip like.....
" Why don't we fish over there near that other fishing safari mob as
they are getting fish"
"It's too hot or its too cold" ,"Can you bait my hook" , "Why haven't we
caught anything all day", "You guys are shit", "There's no toilet
paper", "Why is the spare jerry can empty?" , "We have been out for 3
days now & caught nothing", "We paid good money for nothing", "You guys
are shit" , "You guys suck", "Are you sure there are fish in this
river", "Why do we have to row", "I'm hungry", "Can I go on their boat",
"They are having fun over on that Charter", "You guys are shit", " I
paid $10,000 and all I got was the runs" , "Where's my refund", "You're
not removing your lure from my face", "You guys are shit", "Why cant we
try that snag" " Do you know how to fish?", "You Territory Boys think
you know everything", "My swag has pubic hair in it", "I'm going to
sue", "You Guys are Shit"
So if you want to be on the You're the Guide Tour, expect an ear bashing
from us, like we get from our useless customers.
** Hey Cuz, should we put a disclaimer on here that if they find a good
spot where Barra are actually caught, we reserve the right to take
customers to that spot & claim it as ours?. Did you ever charge that guy
for the lure that you embedded in his face, and never came back from
Katherine Hospital? That cost about $8. Man did he whinge.
Midnight Fishing Safaris Mystery tour
On this tour you go to some of Australia's most exotic fishing places.
We choose the destination on day of departure. Destination is based on
customer type (Dickhead or total dickhead) (Cuz only has 2 categories),
Other factors depend on Weather & amount of fuel in the tank. More often
than not we end up at the Midnight Fishing Safari Camp which is more
misery than mystery with the flies being pretty bad after the last
"Don't do the dishes" Tour.
WTF Cuz, I still cannot work out how you ended up at Uluru the other
week ?? Lame excuse about missing the Roper Highway turnoff! Its a
further 1100 km to the Uluru turnoff & its on the bloody right hand
side. Lucky the customers paid at those 4 fuel stations. (Did you keep
their receipts? so we can claim?)
Pissing in the Wind Tour (free add on tour)
On this tour down the Vic to Angularri River everyone gets to be a part
Cuz has no sense of wind direction when its blowing a 30 knotter on the
open water. In fact Cuz has no sense of any direction. He uses a tomtom
just to get milk and you are lucky if the milk has not curdled by the
time he gets back. The trouble with this tour is that if you dont keep
your wits about you, the whole boat gets a spray & he is none the wiser
as to what panic has been created. Just get him a another beer (shake it
so it froths up as its the only way he will wash his hands).
Best not to fall asleep in the boat no matter how hot , wind burnt, sun
burnt, tired & dehydrated you may be.
Friday nights didgeridoo comp with Cuz James
Fun for the whole
family (Men Only) on didgeridoo Fridays. Show your skills (or
lack of...)(just like James) as you sit around the campfire with
the traditional Outback Australian wooden music stick. Others
can join in with clap sticks (if they have not been used to
start the campfire again.) Let James issue you with a range of
quality traditional "Bali made" didjs (We dont want to offend
the Greenies in Oz)
Just check your didj for small drill holes
that mysteriously reappear every time James is outclassed in the
comp.(usually weekly) (He is still licking his wounds from the
Katherine Flying Fox Festival "Main Event" in August 2010.
We did try to tell him that he was shite, but he thought we were
joking. (Look, It did start out as a straight faced
conversation though when we said he plays really really really
well)..(but we were belly laughing and rolling on the floor
within minutes as we just couldn't hold a straight face any
longer). Anyway James we do need you on Safari soon , so
er.. mate please come back. (Mate... it was 3 "reallys"
that we said, what did we say wrong??)
Now James (Mate) We dont want to take over your didj
segments on Friday nights as its a long way to walk in the dark back to
the Midnight Fishing Safari Camp. (And you still haven't found last
weeks Comp winner) The other guys said you were walking back at the end
of the group with him. (But we still split his lure collection) (I got 5
Anyway ...you guessed it, the didj camp is about 2 kilometres further
out in the bush out of earshot from the rest of us . Cant stand people
making fart noises & donkey noises that is amplified X10 fold through
the hollow stick. We get that day & night from Cuz on & off tour &
without a didj. (and it's 3 dimensional with odour)
telling you Cuz, we should just drop the Friday night didj sessions as
it is attracting hippy types to our safaris, and it might ruin our
Anyway, Cuz James is still missing after going to do the banking for us.
He never got off his arse to do much before, so who knows why he wanted
to do the banking that day he went missing?